Hi Therd!

Isang araw na ang lumipas simula ng pag uusap natin. Akala ko magiging ayos na ang lahat pag katapos natin mag usap. Muli na naman akong nadurog, ng bitawan mo ang mga salitang " sorry hindi na talaga pwede". Parang ilang ulit na sinaksak yung puso ko ng matatalim na bagay. Sobrang sakit marinig kapag nang-galing mismo sayo. Mas nadurog ako ngayon kaysa sa araw mismo ng maghiwalay tayo. Siguro dahil sa pamamagitan lang ng chat tayo nag hiwalay noon o siguro dahil sa gabing iyon umaasa pa akong magiging ayos tayo. Noong gabi na 'yon hindi ko na iniisip ang sarili ko. Ang tanging nasa isip ko lang ay sana matutulog akong magkakabalikan tayong dalawa. Kaya halos ibaba ko na yung sarili ko mag kabalikan lang tayo. Nilunok ko ang pride ko at buong pagkatao ko. Wala na akong pakealam kahit magmukha akong tanga at desperada. Hindi ko din alam na hahantong din pala ako sa pag mamakaawa para lang magbalikan tayo. Pero wala, ginawa ko na lahat, hindi na pwedeng maayos. Ayaw mo na din talaga.

Natapos ang pag uusap natin. Nakatulog akong umiiyak. Akala ko tanggap ko na, pero pag gising ko kinabukasan bumalik lahat ng sakit. At natagpuan ko na lang ang sarili ko na kinakausap ka na naman. Nag-mamakaawa sayo na ayusin na natin ang relasyon natin. Sa sobrang pagiging desperada ko, nakuha ko pa sabihin sayo na baka pwede bigyan mo ng oras ang sarili mo mag isip. Isang linggo para mag reflect at evaluate kung aayusin pa natin ito. Makalipas ang isang linggo, sinabi ko na kakamustahin ulit kita para malaman ang iyong kasagutan kung mabibigyan pa tayo ng panibangong pagkakataon. Pumayag ka, sobrang nagalak ako kasi pakiramdam ko may pagkakataon pa ngunit sinabi mo sa akin na ayaw mo naman ako bigyan ng false hope. Hanggang sa natulog ka na din at natapos na ang pag uusap natin. Sana ay iyon na ang huling pag uusap natin. 

Nakapag kwentuhan kami ng kapatid ko. Sya din ay nakipag hiwalay sa karelasyon nya. Hindi ko na ilalahad ang kwento pero sya yung nag bigay inspirasyon sa akin. Sa pitong taon nila, nakaya nya umalis sa relasyon nila. Nakaya nya unahin naman ang sarili nya. 

Narealize ko lang pagod na din pala ako magpakatanga at maging bulag sa taong hindi naman nakikita ang halaga ko. Parang kailangan ko lagi iligtas yung relasyon natin. Nauubos na din ako. Ngayon umiiyak pa din ako tuwing maalala kita, pero nagawa ko ng ihinto ang pag stalk sayo at tumingin ng updates tungkol sayo. Masaya ako kahit paano sa improvement ko. Sana tuloy-tuloy na iyon. Kaya ngayong linggo hindi na kita kakamustahin. Hindi na ako mag tatanong kung anong desisyon mo. Hindi na ako mag memessage sayo. Siguro tama ka din na, mas okay kung maghihiwalay na tayo. Magiging okay din ako at matatanggap ko na. 

PS: Akala ko huling sulat ko na sayo noong isang araw pero heto pa din ako at patuloy na sumusulat sayo. Pasensya na, sana ay hayaan mo na lang muna ako. Hindi mo naman ito mababasa. Gumagaan ang damdamin ko tuwing sinusulat ko ang nasa isip ko.

 The only wrong thing I did here is I expected. I expected you to stay. I expected you to be there for me through my best and worst. I expected you to be the hero that would save me from everyone and everything that might hurt me. I held on to you so much thinking that I don't care even if all of them leave me, as long as got you, would be more than fine but then you proved me wrong. And now everything's falling apart and you are nowhere to be found and I am here hurting so much, breaking continuously and left with no choice but to be strong enough and be my own hero.

 Then I realized that love is not the problem here. I love you. You love me. I felt it and I hope you felt it too. It was glorious. We were happy. We almost made it. You told me we can make it but somewhere, something went wrong and now everything just went away. And now, I could see the pieces of my broken heart cluttered around me and I can't help but feel so sorry about everything that we could have been. I told myself that I will stop writing about you but I can never deny the fact that a part of me will always wait for you and I just can't let you go. Not like that. I am trying, you see. I am trying to be happy without you. I am trying to be so much better than what I think I am but then everything is not the same without you. I hope, somehow, you will still come back.

But of course everything is uncertain. I just hope that whatever your choice is, you would end up happy or if not completely happy, a little less lonely than how you are right now. I hope you won't regret anything. Just remember that whatever happens, I will always love you and that will never forget you.

Hi 3rd,

 I don't know any effective way to move on from you.

Is it cutting my hair into a certain length so that each time I look in the mirror, the girl that would be staring back at me won't look like the same girl who loved you so much? Is it spending every single night, trying so hard not to read our past conversations? Is it seeing every part of you in everything, every word, every gesture and every color from everyone and everywhere. I really don't know if I could really move on or let go of everything that we had and everything that we used to be and it is getting harder everyday.

I just don't know how to walk away from all the things that I think we could ever be. I don't know how to leave everything behind because there is still a little hope, that freaking hope that keeps me holding on to you even if it means I could be holding on to nothing. guess I am not yet ready for you to be part of my past, for me to be only a girl you used to love, for us to be something that is long gone. I just don't want to accept that things have ended already and that is the reason why I am in so much pain right now.

I miss you.

Always,

Morel

 Sana hindi na lang kita nakilala..

I just. I’m tired. I’m tired of doing anything. I’m tired of going out. I’m tired of trying. It’s exhausting. I’m tired. Everything is so exhausting. I don’t even know why I do anything.

 Pagod na ako :( Gusto ko ng sumuko 

Dear You,

Since I’ve heard from you again, I haven’t gotten any decent sleep and I’ve started dreaming about you again. My heart suddenly became anxious as I tried to read between the lines of your empty words. Yes, you still have this effect on me. And I am ashamed to admit it and to even put it into words. 

I will be able to face you oneday without feeling any pain, without even longing. I will stand infront of you, having the guts to smile and you’re not the reason anymore. I love you, I still do, and it’ll be the last time you’ll hear this from me.

I love you but I’m setting myself free now, I don’t want to have hopes in you anymore. I have loved you more than myself, I’ve been unfair to myself these past years. We’ll see each other one day, I’ll be completely healed, mark my words. But can you please do me a favor? When we happen to cross the same path please pretend that you don’t know me. Pretend that I’m just another stranger. I’ll be happy one day because I’ve finally realized that being with or without you, I still deserve all the happiness and that happiness is just within me.

Take care of yourself and this is the last time I’ll write something about you. 

PS: 

Whatever it is you’re going through I know you’ll be able to get through it! Things will get better! Laban lang! Gaya nga ng lagi kong sinasabi sayo, chase your dreams, even without me. Hope to see you walking around your own photo exhibit one day! 

PPS:

Please remember that we are not a failed relationship, we learned new things while we’re  together, we’ve pushed and support each other, and the best thing was we made each other happy during our times together. And now give your time to yourself and your dreams.

In time every pain and sadness will be healed, we’ll be able to love again! Don’t forget that you’ll always be my bumbum! Charot lang 

Always,

Morel

 Hi 3rdy,

Today is just another day where everything reminds me of you. I've been asking myself too, why am I still not tired of this - tired of waiting for you to come back, tired for waiting for us to happen, again. I am also waiting for myself to get tired on writing you letters.

Why am I the only one left here? Why am I being persistent about you?

Two weeks ago, I went to a bookstore, I bought a book, it's Turtles all the way down, and I'm currently reading it. I know how much you love this book, It's one of your book recommendations sakin. Do you still remember telling me that you wanted to name our kid Aza(protagonist of TATWD), it is really a nice name, knowing you na sobrang worst when it comes to naming department. Pero yung Berlin and Tokyo would make a good names too.

I stay up all night wanting to call you but the pain you put me through paralyzes me. I should've seen the red flags waving right in front of me. I was so in love, that they were perceived as green and gold. I didn't eat or had a decent sleep for five days when after we broke up. It isn't that I wasn't hungry or sleepy, but the thought of you (which never, and still hasn't left my head) simply stole my appetite and mind. Iniwasan ko na nga ang pagkakape pero nag palpitate din ako.

When we met we were both in a dark place, but when I saw you, an incredible light flooded in. From the moment you entered my life, my entire world shifted. All of a sudden someone saw me like I always dreamed someone would. No one had ever seen me the way you did. No one had ever made me feel the way you did.

You told me I was your home
You told me I was your happy pill
You told me you want to do things you dream about with me
You told me you  had never loved anyone this much before
You told me we would have a beautiful life together (with beautiful dogs Ellie - Theo)
You told me that you will wait for me
You told me that I'm stuck with you, wala ng kawala
You told me you're not looking for anyone
You told me we can make this work
You told me na hindi ka magsasawa, hindi ka magbabago
You told me you never wanted to be without me
You told me you would never stop loving me
You told me you would love me forever

Thousands of love texts, calls, more "i love you's" than I had ever heard or ever said and all the plans. Plans to travel (Tagaytay, Batanes or Taiwan pa yan) to do roadtrip or foodtrip (lilibre mo pa ako ng tapsi at pares) to adopt a fur baby ( si Theo at Ellie payag na ako sa dalawa na lang) plans to reach for our dreams and build a life together. Plans to be yours. Plans to be yours forever. You promised me a life; a world.  I thought I was on the path of beauty and had finally found my destiny. I believed I had discovered where I was meant to exist. I believed I had finally found my home.

I gave you the freedom to make sure that I was what you wanted. I never thought that would backfire. I never thought you'd pick anyone that wasn't me. You had told me you would love me forever. You had told me I saved your life.You had told me you wanted to be with me forever. We had talk how amazing our life would be

Yet there you were, not picking me. You broke my heart and smashed it into a thousand pieces. 

Do you know that I shattered my world? Do you know that every shard of that shattered world sliced me open? Even so, it didn't matter because I thought I had you. I thought I had discovered something that so few are fortunate to experience in their lifetime. I thought I had found true love. I felt so blessed to be experiencing something so profound. I believed myself to be finally complete and whole.

I was wrong.

I wasn't your happily ever after. I was just a happily for now. I didn't belong on your world; however, my vision was distorted. I was so blind in love that I didn't realize your reality until after you tore my heart open. You realized that your life didn't need me and that you didn't need me.

I want to let you go and stop wishing for a future that will never arrive. I want to let go of the memories of you that haunt every space in my mind. I want to move on with my eyes solely focused on peace and acceptance.

And despite everything, I will always love you. You will always be my bestfriend.

Love,

Morel

Hi it's been a month since we broke up. And I actually think you moved on. I wish things didn't end the way it did. It's past midnight. I thought of you again. I couldn't sleep and like the other nights. Tonight the pain was unbearable and pakiramdam ko bigla na lang mag bu-burst yung heart ko. I knew I had to write down my feelings.

I was so close to calling you, gusto kita kamustahin and tell you I'm having trouble sleeping. I know you'd respond right away, katulad ng dati. But I got to stop. Hindi lang ngayon. ilang beses na. Ilang beses ko na pinigilan yung sarili ko na tawagan or imessage ka. I know I just have to stop this madness, lalo ko lang sinasaktan sarili ko. Dahil meron pa din thought, deep inside me, na baka pag tinawagan kita maayos pa tayo.

Sobrang sakit pala talaga na isang araw gigising ka hindi na masaya sayo yung taong mahal mo at iiwan ka na lang nya. Yung mag isa ka na lang lumalaban para sa laban ninyong dalawa. Ang sakit, ang sakit sakit pa din. Gusto na kita kalimutan pero sobrang hirap hindi ko alam kung saan ako mag sisimula.

 It’s 3am and I can’t sleep. I am just so tired.

I am tired of being strong, for once, I want someone to be strong for me. I am tired of listening to others, for once, I want to be listened to. I am tired of understanding everything, for once, I want to be understood. I am tired of crying alone in the dark, for once, I want someone to wipe the tears away from my eyes. I am tired of convincing myself that everything’s gonna be okay, for once, I want someone to assure me that he will be there even if it’s not okay. I am tired of being alone, for once, I want to be with someone who would never leave me. I am tired of being this sad, for once, I want to be truly happy.

 This is just one of those moments in my life when I don’t really want to move. I want to isolate myself from everything and everyone. I want to lock myself inside my room and I wouldn’t care even when they knock on my door for hundreds of times just because I don’t feel like going out. I am tired, really really tired about everything and all I wanna do right now is sleep for a very long time until all my worries and problems are gone. But then that is not the rright thing to do. I know that this is one of the hardest times that I could ever face but there is still a reason why I am still strong enough to smile and think of the possible solutions. I know that God has given me enough reasons to keep on going. I know that this is just another storm and I will soon get over with it. I know that I am tired right now, but sooner rather than later, everything’s gonna be grand and I wouldn’t have to worry about everything that I am worrying right now.

 Dear You,

You came into my life in such a rush. I never saw you coming, seriously. All I know is one day, I can’t stop thinking about you that even when I close my eyes, all I could see are the words that you give me for my own comfort. You brought happiness into my life. You are the light into my dark world. You are the stars in my night sky. You gave me the smile that I didn’t have to fake. You made me feel like after all, maybe, jsut maybe, I am still good enough for someone and I hope that someone is you. I have never let someone in to my life for a very long time. It is like I isolated myself from everyone with the constant fear of pain and heartache. I built a very high wall around my heart so no one would be close enough to break it. But you, you brought down the wall so effortlessly, I have no idea how you did it. The next thing I know is I want you to stay and I want to be there for you no matter how hard things could be.

You gave me tears of happiness and joy in just a short period of time. That is another thing why you are so different from those people that I let so close enough to hurt me. It is okay even when you hurt me. It is okay because you matter. As time went by, I came to understand you in a different way than other people see you. You are not perfect yet your imperfections are the things that made me want to be closer to you. I want to be the one who stays in your life, I want to be the one who gives you happiness whenever you are depressed. But that won’t happen anyway. I know there are times that you would like to be alone and I respect that. I just want you to know that I will always be here to wait for you whenever you are ready to be with me. I will wait for you until you come back to me.

I don’t know what is my role into your life. I don’t know if I should know that. All I know is that this feeling that I am having towards you is too strong to ignore. I wouldn’t let this feeling go. I don’t want to let you go. I want to be the one who doesn’t give up on you. Right now, I miss you so much. I don’t know what to do but then I will wait for you. I will just be here for you. I hope that sooner, you’ll find your way back to me. I just miss you so much. I just hope you’ll read this letter...

PS: Happy birthday!

Love always,

Me

Some nights, I cry because I miss you. I close my eyes and struggle to breathe. How can I inhale without wanting to take you in? Other nights, it isn't as hard as this. I think of you and distract myself then I move on. I read our past conversations, laugh at how good we were then sleep. But nights, like this is hard to ignore. Everything inside me is yearning for something that I will never have. How can you satiate this kind of longing? 

All I can think about right now is that I want you I want to straighten your collars to make sure you're good for the day and kiss you on your cheeks to make the other girls jealous. I want to hold your hand just to assure you that you are not as empty as you seem and I am not as hollow as I assume to be. I want to touch you and show you the world is not as lonely and prove to you that you belong somewhere. That you belong to me. I want you to know that even if it doesn't eventually get better, I will not go away. That even if you're surrounded with everything temporary, I will remain constant. I want to love you in a way that you deserve to experience it. Just pure kind of love that isn't contaminated with doubt and guilt and pain. I want to unwrite your scars and undo your misery.

 And now I keep on thinking  about how cruel the world can be. How can you lve someone with the greatest intensity and you can not have the chance to show it, to express it for real. How can you meet the one then realizing that they can not be with you. How you can cry at night because you miss someone and how it is all that you can do about it. There is something permanent the way I love you. So maybe I will miss you forever. Spend all these kind of nights crying forever. I believe that my heart might always belong to you even if we might never meet at all.

Sadness has become so addicting lately as if it is the drug I couldn’t keep on taking. It has become a part of me and it is always there inside me, never leaving me, never letting happiness inside of me again. The truth is I can’t remember the reason why I am such in this kind of emotional state but sometimes, you are so drawn to the effect that you couldn’t  remember the reason why. The worst part is nothing could ever take this sadness away, not even sleep, not even the coffee that always makes me smile. Nothing and no one could make me feel better and maybe I just have to let it overpower me and maybe it would get tired and leave me alone. Maybe. But not quite.

 

Sobrang lungkot, gusto ko na umuwi. Sobrang miss ko na ang family ko. Hindi ko mapigilan ang tulo ng mga luha ko. Mag hapon lang ako dito sa kwarto. Ayoko lumabas, gusto ko na lang din magpalamon sa kalungkutan. 

Taylor Swift's music means so much to me. When I'm feeling alone and about to break down when I was in college and after, it's her music that comforts me.

10 years after, when everything seems falling down, here she is, redeeming me again. I AM IN TEARS. #folklore 

Most people I know think of me as a dreamy one. I am always staring into nothingness as I get lost into a world of fantasy that I only have visited. I can never be in one place completely because part of me will always be somewhere else, maybe flying with dragons, or having a coffee date with a fictional character. Either way there is always something unreachable inside my mind that no one has ever set a foot on.

I always keepthings inside of mewith the fear no one would ever understand what I have to say. I always struggle with words when spoken and even these written ones could never accurately describe the twists and turns of my labyrinth mind. I also find it hard to control my emotionswhich is the reason I'd rather show them when the lights are off. Letting someone see me cry is similar to giving them a glimpse of my bare body. These are the reasons why I prefer to offer silence or small talks to people just to keep the connection alive.

Every once in a while, I have tried and there are few people who have succesfully penetrated through my walls. They are the ones I truly trust in everything about me knowing that they would not end up pointing their fingers at me. But then there are people who are forcing their way through my walls, treating me as an experiment thats needs to be concluded. They are the ones who ask for explanations about my feelings and talk to me as if they know the best way to govern my life more than anyone else could.

They tell me I should open up. They tell me I should learn to trust them. But how can I do these things when just before I can utter a word, I am already greeted with ferocious eyes? They stab me with words just as when I have spoken a sentence. They chastise me whenever I cry saying it's a sign of weakness.

And just as when they see me wringing with pain and self loathing on the floor, they smile victoriously with a satisfied expression saying that I am just another mission accomplished.
They don't know how hard it is to build oneself up again right after a great fall. They don't know the struggle to find the words for things that you can't even understand. They don't know how much their remarks about my being affect my soul to the core.

Hi! It's been two years and I'm trying to ease myself back into writing after a very very long hiatus and I'm so rusty but there have been so many signs lately that I should get back at it again. This'll be worth it.

Patience para sa pag hihintay

Sabi nila lahat ng bagay ay nangyayari sa tamang panahon at pag kakataon. Pero paano kung napaka tagal mo ng naghihintay, kasalanan mo ba ang mapagod at mawalan ng pag asa?

Yan ang sitwasyon ko ngayon, akala ko once nakapag internship ako abroad magiging madali na ang lahat. Pero eto ako ngayon 5 months ng walang trabaho since umuwi. Nakakapagod na eh, yung ma-reject sa interview, yung pasado ka na pero after few days wala naman update about your application status, or hired na nga pero may conflict naman with location and schedule. Nakakapagod na mag apply sa totoo lang, ang tagal ko ng pinag dadasal na sana ibigay na sakin ni Lord yung work na mag gogrow ako at naaayon sa skills ko. Pero wala pa din, hanggang kelan kaya ako maghihintay?