Hi 3rdy,
Today is just another day where everything reminds me of you. I've been asking myself too, why am I still not tired of this - tired of waiting for you to come back, tired for waiting for us to happen, again. I am also waiting for myself to get tired on writing you letters.
Why am I the only one left here? Why am I being persistent about you?
Two weeks ago, I went to a bookstore, I bought a book, it's Turtles all the way down, and I'm currently reading it. I know how much you love this book, It's one of your book recommendations sakin. Do you still remember telling me that you wanted to name our kid Aza(protagonist of TATWD), it is really a nice name, knowing you na sobrang worst when it comes to naming department. Pero yung Berlin and Tokyo would make a good names too.
I stay up all night wanting to call you but the pain you put me through paralyzes me. I should've seen the red flags waving right in front of me. I was so in love, that they were perceived as green and gold. I didn't eat or had a decent sleep for five days when after we broke up. It isn't that I wasn't hungry or sleepy, but the thought of you (which never, and still hasn't left my head) simply stole my appetite and mind. Iniwasan ko na nga ang pagkakape pero nag palpitate din ako.
When we met we were both in a dark place, but when I saw you, an incredible light flooded in. From the moment you entered my life, my entire world shifted. All of a sudden someone saw me like I always dreamed someone would. No one had ever seen me the way you did. No one had ever made me feel the way you did.
You told me I was your happy pill
You told me you want to do things you dream about with me
You told me you had never loved anyone this much before
You told me we would have a beautiful life together (with beautiful dogs Ellie - Theo)
You told me that you will wait for me
You told me that I'm stuck with you, wala ng kawala
You told me you're not looking for anyone
You told me we can make this work
You told me na hindi ka magsasawa, hindi ka magbabago
You told me you never wanted to be without me
You told me you would never stop loving me
You told me you would love me forever
Thousands of love texts, calls, more "i love you's" than I had ever heard or ever said and all the plans. Plans to travel (Tagaytay, Batanes or Taiwan pa yan) to do roadtrip or foodtrip (lilibre mo pa ako ng tapsi at pares) to adopt a fur baby ( si Theo at Ellie payag na ako sa dalawa na lang) plans to reach for our dreams and build a life together. Plans to be yours. Plans to be yours forever. You promised me a life; a world. I thought I was on the path of beauty and had finally found my destiny. I believed I had discovered where I was meant to exist. I believed I had finally found my home.
I gave you the freedom to make sure that I was what you wanted. I never thought that would backfire. I never thought you'd pick anyone that wasn't me. You had told me you would love me forever. You had told me I saved your life.You had told me you wanted to be with me forever. We had talk how amazing our life would be
Yet there you were, not picking me. You broke my heart and smashed it into a thousand pieces.
Do you know that I shattered my world? Do you know that every shard of that shattered world sliced me open? Even so, it didn't matter because I thought I had you. I thought I had discovered something that so few are fortunate to experience in their lifetime. I thought I had found true love. I felt so blessed to be experiencing something so profound. I believed myself to be finally complete and whole.
I was wrong.
I wasn't your happily ever after. I was just a happily for now. I didn't belong on your world; however, my vision was distorted. I was so blind in love that I didn't realize your reality until after you tore my heart open. You realized that your life didn't need me and that you didn't need me.
I want to let you go and stop wishing for a future that will never arrive. I want to let go of the memories of you that haunt every space in my mind. I want to move on with my eyes solely focused on peace and acceptance.
And despite everything, I will always love you. You will always be my bestfriend.
Love,
Morel
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