Self Confidence where art thou?

Nung nag paulan yata si Lord ng self confidence eh nag hihibernate ako. At nagising lang  nung nag paulan na ng mga low self esteem. Haaay, jusko nasalo ko naman lahat!! Bakit ba ganito feel ko ako yung pinaka walang kwentang tao.Palpak sa lahat ng bagay na gawin. Hindi na nga kagandahan, hindi pa karunungan. Eto dyan ako magaling, yung lalong idown yung sarili ko. Nakakasawa na rin sa totoo lang yung ganito. Yung tipong takot kang kumilos dahil takot kang magkamali. Yung lagi mong naikukumpara yung sarili mo sa iba na buti pa sila ganito samantalang ikaw mukang tanga lang. Ang hirap pa pakiramdam ko hindi ko kayang gawin yung mga kaya nila. Kulang na nga sa confidence, kulang pa sa tiwala sa sarili. Nakakagago naman yung ganito, samahan mo pa yung mga walang kakwenta-kwentang negative thoughts na paikot-ikot sa ulo ko. Nakakaasar pa na pag sa ibang tao kaya ko mag tiwala pero sa sarili ko mismo wala akong tiwala. Yung mas mahal ko pa yung ibang tao kesa sa sarili ko. Diba sabi nila kailangan mo muna mahalin yung sarili mo bago ka mag mahal ng ibang tao para yung pag mamahal na ibibigay mo sa taong yun ay buong buo. Kaya rin siguro di pa pinapahintulutan ni Lord na magka-lovelife ako eh dahil sarili ko mismo di ko kayang mahalin, ibang tao pa kaya! Pero paano ba? Paano mo magkaroon ng tiwala sa sarili? ng high self esteem? paano tanggapin yung mga flaws at imperfections mo bilang tao? Paano turuan mo ako????!!! 

Walang kwentang rants!!!

Dear Future me,

 I'm writing this letter to you on scorching Saturday afternoon from my room. You're now 22! Wow, ang bilis ng panahon. Where are you ? Have you achieved any of your dreams? I know you're smiling while you're reading this, it's because the choices I make today affect you and your daily life right now. Remember the times when you loose hope and couldn't find a way to move forward? Remember how you questioned your existence, trying to figure out why you're not good enough for anyone? Remember when you're too scared to leave your comfort zone? Well, look at you now. You've made it so far. I hope everything is fine now, that you finally move out of your comfort zone...

I hope you can reflect and realize that everything happened for a reason, and your struggles are what turned you into the fabulous person you are today. Use your past experiences to help you in the future, and know that everything will work out in the end. There were so many times you questioned if you'd make it, but here you are. Reading this proves you have been strong enough to get to this point and that you have the strength to go on.

I hope you've learned to let go of fear and embrace beauty. I know that my life in the moment is a web of tangled and intricate experiences and emotions that have helped mold me into you. Trust me, I am working every single day to make myself better for you.

How's mama and papa? I bet they're doing great. Did you already fullfill the promised you made to Mama that you're going to let her travel abroad? How was it? I hope she had a lot of fun. How about Papa, is he still working abroad? If he does, try to spend more time with him whenever he's on vacation and always made him feel loved. Don't foget to check out for his health if he can still work abroad. Please take care of them, spoiled them like how they spoil me right now. Always find time to be with them now matter how busy you are. Don't foget to give back in your parents. How's Ate? I hope that she achived all her dreams and she got a good job right now. Is Kyle doing great in college?  I hope that you already break your walls and you're spending more time with your siblings. Try to hang out with them more often. And made them feel that they can vent out all their dramas to you. Do still have your dogs? No matter how tired you or how late you get home try to cuddle with your dog. Bella's your favorite right? I hope she still eats a lot. Is Nanay Chit doing great? Please try to spend time with her no matter what your schedule is, always made her feel loved and important.

I wonder who you are still friends with? If there's an old friend you haven't talked to in a while, do your younger self a favor, and please call them.  I hope you still keep in touch.  Also, I hope you are still friends with your best friends, because those were your favorite people in the whole world. Do you still remember that time you all decided to have a movie marathon but end up chattering and laughing out loud. Those unending selfies and hangouts at the mall.  Don't forget about them. I'd like to think you still talk to them frequently. If not, reach out, please hangout with them soon, because I bet you miss them. How about your college friends? Who stayed by your side? And as for the friendships you continue to make, don't keep any toxic people in your life. You spent so many years tolerating toxic relationships and I hope you realized you don't deserve that anymore. Spend time with people who make you glad you're alive.

Did you finally meet him??? You're one and only!!! If yes, I don't know what to say!!! You've waited for so long, and I can see it in your eyes that all those years of waiting are all worth it. Indeed it's God's perfect timing. I'll just advised you that enjoy the relationship that you have right now. Then if you're still waiting for the one, please don't loose patience..Maybe he's stuck in a traffic, he's on his way into your heart. chos! 

Did you follow your heart to USA? Is it everything you imagined it would be? What's up with your internship? I hope that you gained more confidence and knowledge that you can apply in your work. Did you make it to the places you've been dying to go to? Take a lot of pictures its something you can look back to. I hope you are doing something you love, and if you aren't, then quit and find something else. Life is too short to waste time on a job that makes you unhappy. Are you working for a restaurant or hotel? Or did you realize that wasn't what you wanted at all? I know that no matter what you followed your gut, and it's never been wrong before, so trust in that. I hope that you are doing what you want to do and living for yourself, because you spent so long trying to please others. You've always been a people pleaser, but I hope you have finally learned pleasing yourself is the only think that matters. Follow your heart and your passion and you will always be going in the right direction.

Love always,

Your twenty-year old-me

Why on earth, I'm still NBSB!!!

All of a sudden two decades have passed and I must admit that I am still NBSB(no boyfriend since birth) . Still have not kissed anyone, or had 3am converstion with someone who would rather look into my eyes for 10 minutes than talk. Have never worn lover's sweater and "forgotten" it in my bedroom just so I have an excuse to see them again.

4 years of high school and never had a boyfriend...but few crushes and 1 mutual understanding.

I took up the course that majority of the students are female.Even in my block,there were only like 10 males or so, and our class was composed of 40+ students.It's the same with other sections.

This causes me overwhelming curiosity.Am I really that ugly,that uninteresting,that unwanted,that no one has ever looked at me like the only thing on earth..Is there something wrong with me???!

Seriously it's okay with me having no boyfriend at all.

But somehow it bothers me because my relatives put intense pressure on me when we're having convos..: "So why are you still single?" "Maganda ka naman." "Mag ayos ka naman,para mapansin at maligawan ka na."

So here it is,people ask me why,as in all the time.So I guess the entire cyber world should hear what I wanna say here.

Reasons why I "still" stay single:

1. Chaka - I'm not pretty and I'm too plain.I'm short and I'm not attractive to boys to fall head over heels for me.
2. Intimidating - If I like a guy my defense mechanism is to be harsh and avoid him.And also I'm quite dominating as a woman.
3. I never go out as much as others do - I am an introvert in full extent. Never been into a bar, don't go to party, would rather stay home, read book, drink coffee, blog than go out.
4. Im bad with small talks - Even worse in compliments. I kinda freak out when strangers ask me like time, directions. Or maybe I built a wall around myself to let no other people come in unless they have a key. I'm going poet here.
5. I have childish habits - Which I think I would never grow old with.I enjoy little moments.I treasure things normally people of my age wouldn't mind.Like collecting post cards and snow globes. I tend to name intimate things. I'd rather play with my dog than listen to those judgemental little pricks.
6. I'm straight to the point - when I don't like a guy. I instantly tell him, of course not in a rude way.Sabihin mo na kaysa umasa pa.
7. Sometimes I don't actually care how I look - well my hair won't cooperate with me and I suck at doing my own make up.
8. I have fictional standard for My Mr. RIGHT (think of Edward Cullen, Noah Calhoun, Peter Kavinsky, Jack Dawson, and the list goes on...) - okay sorry but this is a way true for me. I'm a huge fan of Nicholas Sparks and self proclaimed hopeless romantic. I read books who can blame me! Author sets very unhumanistic high standards and I kinda bring it in the real world.
9. Time - I'm always willing to wait. Hindi ako choosy, okay? It's just I want our relationship to grow from friends and not forcing it to be romantic spontaneity.And someday I want to introduce my boyfriend by saying "Yes, he was worth the wait."

And yes, I've read enough books,watched enough TV shows and movies and listened to enough silly love songs for me to become hopeless romantic.
I'm just like any other girl who wants Dao Ming Si who will give you chase wherever you go even if it's hell or furthest corner of the earth, just to catch up with you, or Troy Bolton who will serenade you until dawn, or  Landon Carter that will take you in two places at one time, or Judd Nelson who raise his fist because he felt victorious when the hard-to-get girl finally fell in love with him.

And yes I have wished for the Augustus Waters to my Hazel Lancaster, the Price Maxon Schreave to my America Singer, the Jack Dawson to my Rose DeWitt Bukater or the Crisostomo Ibarra to my Maria Clara to walk into my life.

Because I am not like the other girls

All my life I have lived with the fact that I can never be the pretty girl.I am not drop dead gorgeous and completely not a head turner.My hair doesn't stay in place and it is tangled most of the time.I can't start a day without wearing my glasses and used to have braces for 7 years af.I don't always wear make up but when I do, I see a different girl staring back at me in the mirror.I just don't think I am attractive at all.Being pretty is indeed a bonus given to the winner of gentic lottery.

There are days that I am haunted by my own flaws, like catching myself googling solutions to prevent pimples.Because there are girls with perfeclty smooth skin and bodies to die for.Those girls whose selfies may look perfect for magazine cover and theres me looking dork.It sucks, really.

Ever since in high school I used to be the invisible girl,someone you wil not bother to talk to.I am not the type of girl who allures everyone I've met and I dont get other people notice me.

Atleast, because of this,I can appreciate more those people who took extra steps just to get close with me and to see whatever beauty it is that is hide inside me.